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Chick Fails to Seduce Dude for Third Time Today

March 31, 2012

By Oimrod Enad

Local guy, Tim Fairbanks, 27, gazes on in wistful boredom as coffee shop patron Kim Platt, 21, enters, places an order for an everything bagel with cream cheese and a medium coffee to go, picks it up, and leaves, completely failing to take advantage of a ripe opportunity to seduce him.

“That chick could have totally seduced me, if she had halfway put her mind to it,” Fairbanks comments, yawning. “Sucks for her she missed the chance.”

Fairbanks reports that Platt is the third woman who has failed to successfully live up to her potential to talk him into bed that afternoon. “And I’ve only been here, what, an hour and a half?” Fairbanks estimates. “But that’s pretty typical. On a regular day I probably see about a dozen ladies completely botch the simple act of picking me up for sexual favors.”

Later, sitting on a park bench, Fairbanks’ eyes follow jogger Lola Martinez, 31, who passes right by without throwing herself bodily upon him and tearing off his clothes in an amorous frenzy. Fairbanks laments, “What a perfectly good opportunity to drag me off into the bushes and use me to satisfy her most carnal desires. Wasted.”

Fairbanks theorizes that the reason women today are so sexually repressed is that they are unskilled at the art of seduction, as indicated by the fact that so few of them manage to get into his pants, despite the ease and availability of hooking up with him. “The thing is, for so many of these ladies, it would be a piece of cake to pick me up. All they would have to do is say the right thing and I’d hop right into bed with them. Unfortunately for them, very few even go so far as to introduce themselves to me, let alone proposition me for sex.” Fairbanks says that he doesn’t let the sorry state of women’s sexual liberation get him down, however, since it’s “their problem, not [his].”

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